Charleston Wins “Best Looking Tourists” Award ! !

by The Mayor of Charleston

On the heels ofCharleston being voted “Top City in the U.S.” in the 2011 Conde Nast Traveler Readers’ Choice Awards, we have been bestowed with another equally impressive award, “The Most Attractive Tourists in America”. Voted by the readers of Beautiful People Illustrated, Charleston edged out numerous fashionable cities including Omaha, Detroit, Cincinnati, and Myrtle Beach.

Long regarded as one of the South’s most cosmopolitan cities, Charlestonians have always taken pride in how they look. Apparently, our guests share this pride when they vacation in Charleston.

We caught up with Charleston native and celebrity fashion designer, Robert Pilch, that commented, “Our guests are redefining the meaning of ‘travel wardrobes’ and they are just looking fab-u-lous. We are just lovin’ all the folks with perfectly symmetrical facial features, high cheekbones, spectacular hair, darling accessories, all paired with the latest in haute couture fashion. Nothing like a beautiful man on vacation with tailored clothes, swimmer’s build, bronzed skin, and . . . Please excuse me, I’m feeling a little woozy and need to get a glass of water“.

Myrtle Beach Tourists

This highly coveted award has been a yearly source of frustration for Myrtle Beach, our neighbor just 100 miles up the coast. Their 2011 ranking dropped to # 739 from last years’ # 688 (out of 740 mentioned U.S. vacation spots). Fashion insiders believe the Grand Strand’s downfall was due to their recent marketing campaign, “Visit Myrtle Beach, Where Half Shirts and Cut-Offs are Still Cool”.

Myrtle Beach’s Convention and Visitors Bureau could not be reached for comment.

SC Aquarium Finally Hosting a Fishing Tournament

by The Mayor of Charleston

Charleston SC Aquarium Excited local fisherman gathered at the State House last night after the South Carolina General Assembly finally approved a fishing tournament at the SC Aquarium in Charleston. Anglers from all over the region have been pushing for this event since the Lowcountry attraction opened in May of 2000.

Intended to inspire conservation and to be used as an educational tool, the Aquarium is home to a variety of fish species, exotic plants, rare birds, reptiles, mammals, insects, and other wildlife creatures.

Aquarium spokesman Walter Capps hopes the event will bring an awareness of our delicate ecosystem and regional fish habitat. Charleston resident and fishing enthusiast Jamie Catoe hopes the event will bring him a freezer full of tasty fish. “We have a 70 million dollar fishing tank and they expect me to pay them money to walk around and just look at the fish? Yeah . . . . that ain’t gonna happen. But I will pay them $20 to fish. Hell, I’ll pay em $50 for a shot at that albino alligator” said Mr. Catoe. Aquarium officials claim they have no plans to have any organized hunts since many of the animals are rare and very popular with visitors.

Organizers of the fishing tournament hope to have the event scheduled by the end of the month. Aquarium officials plan to limit the fishing to just the Great Ocean Tank, a two story, 385,000 gallon saltwater “fishing hole”. Proceeds of the tournament will benefit local conservation organizations, specifically ones that preserve nature so that people can kill more animals. Further details will be available very soon.

Visitor Tired of Only Seeing Old Stuff in Charleston

by The Mayor of Charleston

A recent visitor is tired of only seeing old stuff in Charleston, and is demanding we get some “new stuff”. Christopher Vincent of Boca Raton, Florida will not be one of our repeat visitors. During his vacation last weekend, Mr. Vincent was very dismayed with the concentration of old, historical buildings in Charleston. Mr. Vincent commented, ”What’s up with all this old crap? Would it kill ya to get a strip mall and maybe some fast food joints around here? We got em in Florida, it’s not that difficult.”

Mr. Vincent vowed to never return to Charleston unless we get rid of our historical homes and buildings. He was obviously not aware that Charlestonians take a lot of pride in the preservation of these treasures. We realize we may not be as architecturally “progressive” as Los Angeles or New York City, but most of us are OK with that.

We caught up with Mr. Vincent after he returned home on Tuesday. We asked if he would perhaps give us a second chance and revisit our historical hometown. He replied, “Hell No I’m not coming back to that place! It’s all . . . . old this . . . . historical that, antique shops, cobblestone streets, antebellum houses, blah, blah, blah. Las Vegas got the message that new stuff is better than old, why can’t you people?” Then the phone line went dead, he hung up on us.

We contacted the resident expert tour company, Charleston Stroll’s, wanting to inquire if they have noticed a trend in new visitors wanting to see new stuff rather than old. Tour guide John LaVerne commented, “We have explored the possibility of a ‘Charleston Outlet Mall Tour‘ as well as a ‘Charleston Mobile Home & Garden Tour’, but our research shows they wouldn’t be very popular. Our guests tend to enjoy history, 18th century architecture, historical churches, and our quaint alleyways.”

Perhaps Charleston Strolls and the rest of our hospitality community are not listening to the needs of some of our visitors. There is obviously a type of visitor that could care less about our historical homes and would prefer to see us add some modern touches. Maybe the new wave of tourism should embrace something like, “Charleston, out with the old, in with the new”.

Reasons Moms Loved Their Trip to Charleston

by The Mayor of Charleston

Charleston Residents Furious with Hurricane Irene

by The Mayor of Charleston

Earlier this week, Hurricane Irene had Charleston in her sights. Local residents began planning their evacuation routes, checking their food supplies, and preparing for the worst. As of this morning, the National Hurricane Center predicts the eye of the storm will move up the coast to the Outerbanks, coastal Virginia, and eventually die out in the upper Eastern seaboard. While 99.92% of Charleston residents are thrilled to be spared the wrath of Mother Nature, we found the .08% that were not so happy.

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Frank Bucci, owner of Lowcountry Hurricane Repair, was banking on some help from Mother Nature this year. His company had just bought a wet-dry vac, two mops, and a shovel in anticipation of Irene. “All that money on new equipment and Irene is a no-go for Charleston. Fingers crossed my other business, Lowcountry Snow Removal, has a good winter.” stated Mr. Bucci.

Bennett McAllister of Johns Island said, “When it comes to hurricanes, it’s all about the Benjamins (street term for $100 bills). Ya see, I’m what you call a ‘Crisis Based Entrepreneur’. This $170 chainsaw I bought yesterday would’ve sold for $600 next week, but Irene screwed me over. I was gonna buy me a new plasma TV, rims for my ride, and an iPhone, but that ain’t gonna happen now. “

The Kilpatrick family of Ladson is upset because their current residence needs to be replaced and they were hoping Irene would help. “Mamma K” responded, “Our home is old and tired and we had our dreams on one of those FEMA trailers but Irene decided to crush our dreams and go somewhere else.”

Mayor Thrilled with City Hall’s New Waterslide

by The Mayor of Charleston

Charleston’s acclaimed 19^th century architect Gabriel Manigault is credited with some of our most treasured historical buildings; the Joseph Manigault House, The William Blacklock House, and of course his crowning achievement, Charleston’s City Hall (circa 1801). 19^th century architecture insiders are claiming that Gabriel Manigault would be very intrigued by the latest addition to his masterpiece, two 35 foot waterslides leading from the front stoop of City Hall down to Broad Street.

Joseph P. Riley, Charleston’s long standing mayor (since 1975), is considered by many to be responsible for countless local preservation efforts and as well as this Southern town’s ultimate visionary. His recent vision obviously included a whimsical amusement ride that would help him beat the summer heat.

We tried to catch up with Mayor Riley during yesterday’s inaugural launch of the new amusement, but he was too caught up in the moment to make a statement. During his lunch break, the Mayor made 47 trips down the slide, undoubtedly having a wonderful time with his new recreational amenity. Refusing to talk with reporters, all we could hear were the sounds of running water, shrieks of laughter, and the Mayor repeatedly shouting, “Weeeeeeee, just havin’ fun!!!”.

City Hall’s new amusement ride is currently available to only the Mayor but there are rumored discussions about opening it up to locals and visitors next summer.

“Weather Victim” sues Mother Nature

by The Mayor of Charleston

The Bulldog Buzz unveiled court documents regarding a recent lawsuit filed by a tourist against Mother Nature. The visitor, Angie Martin of Franklin, TN, claims Mother Nature ruined her visit to Charleston. Ms. Martin nor her attorney returned our phone calls.

Read the following “Plaintiff Statement” for further details regarding Ms. Martin’s charges:

Mother Nature’s spokesperson Bill Sharp, out of their Washington DC office, commented, “We are very sorry Ms. Martin was unhappy with her experience in Charleston. We try to provide a variety of weather conditions but it’s impossible to please everybody all the time. And FYI, tell the folks down there in ‘Our Favorite City” that there’s no need to sweat hurricane season this year. With the economy in such bad shape, our storm budget is shot all to hell and we just don’t have the resources to make it happen this year. We know how y’all love to throw those ‘Hurricane Parties’ but you’ll just have to come up with another reason for a social event this September.”

Charleston Waterfront Park's "Malicious Wind"

Courtroom Exhibit A – Photograph of the ‘Malicious Winds at Waterfront Park’

People Against Working Animals starts Carriage Company

by The Mayor of Charleston

People Against Working Animals (PAWA) has unveiled plans to start their own carriage tour company in Charleston. After years of battling local tourism regulations that allow horse drawn carriage tours, the animal rights group has decided to make a statement to Charleston tourism officials. Their plan is to have humans pulling carriage instead of horses or mules. PAWA’s claim is that despite the large draft horses and mules’ ability to roll the carriages throughout the flat historic district, they would prefer for these animals to not have to work.

PAWA’s official statement is, “We believe animals should not have to work like humans. We realize these animals were bred to work and have no problems navigating the landscape of Charleston, but we would prefer that humans do the work instead.”

Human rights activist Ned Flanders claims, “This is ridiculous. We have to work, why shouldn’t they have to? Doesn’t anybody care about humans anymore? Our stance is that animals were put on this earth to help people, whether it’s by pulling a carriage, pulling a plow, or providing food for our families. If God didn’t want animals to be worked or eaten, why did he make them so strong and so tasty?”

Charleston’s tourism regulations are very in depth as to the conditions the horses and mules can work under. The animals must take breaks after every tour, their stalls routinely inspected, journals of their diet and medical records are kept, and their temperatures taken rectally after every tour during warmer weather. Tourism officials declined to comment if the new carriage company’s people will have to have their temperatures taken rectally. They also decline to discuss if the people pulling the carriages will have to wear exposed diapers like the horses and mules currently do.

Only time will tell as to the success of this new venture. Until then, I will use my leather shoes to walk down to Oak Steakhouse for some dead cow, served by a human waiter.

Graphic Illustration of PAWA’s People Carriage in Charleston, SC

Charleston Ghost asks for Pay Raise

by The Mayor of Charleston

Lavinia Fisher, perhaps Charleston’s most infamous ghost and a resident of The Old City Jail, has asked her employer for a raise. She has been working at Bulldog Tours for eight years and has been one of the major players in their “Haunted Jail Tour”. People from all over the world have traveled to Charleston to meet Lavinia, including The Travel Channel’s Samantha Brown which featured her on her television show.

Lavinia’s fame grew out of her involvement with a series of highway robberies and murders in 1819 that resulted in being sentenced to death by hanging. Lavinia and her husband, John Fisher, ran The Six Mile House on the outskirts of Charleston where many of their guests never checked-out; they ended up being buried under the roadside hotel. Lavinia is believed by many authorities to have been America’s first female serial killer but others claim she was perhaps innocent[1]. John and Lavinia resided in the Jail while awaiting trial that resulted in both of them being convicted and publicly executed.

Lavinia stated, “I am still very happy residing in the Jail, especially since I have the opportunity to scare the hell out of the people on the ghost tour. Although I make more than most of my paranormal friends, with rising inflation, the cost of groceries, and the increase in my Netflix membership, a pay raise would certainly help. Don’t get me wrong, I love living here and working for Charleston’s best tour company – they are a great group of people, very professional, decent benefits, and are a major supporter of the preservation of my home[2]. I thought I had a grasp on my financial portfolio but after my hanging in 1820, I had no major source of income until ‘The Haunted Jail Tour’ opened in 2003. It’s just tough to plan for 183 years without a job and I could use a little more money.”

Bulldog Tours Human Resources Manager says Lavinia’s performance review is scheduled for next week and a decision will be made then.

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[1] Six Miles to Charleston (SC): The True Story of John and Lavinia Fisher; Bruce Orr, 2010.

[2] The Old City Jail is owned by The American College of Building Arts and Bulldog Tours is one of the key supporters of the School. Admissions from the Haunted Jail Tour have raised over $600k for the preservation of the building.

White Point Gardens Wal-Mart

by The Mayor of Charleston

Wal-Mart announced today that they have finally gained approval to build a Super Wal-Mart in the middle of Charleston’s famed historic White Point Gardens. Plans to build the 120,000 square foot location have been in the works for over two years and have battled several local preservation efforts that tried to block the rezoning of this historical landmark. Wal-Mart construction crews plan to start clearing the space no later than the end of this month. Wal-Mart’s “Historic Property Division” has worked tirelessly with City of Charleston planners to insure the massive commercial site blends in with the surrounding historic neighborhood as best possible. One example of their efforts is, instead of using 25,000 watt bulbs to light their building, they have agreed to only use 20,000 watt bulbs. “Classic case of a corporation working with a city for the good of the people.”, states Wal-Mart spokesperson Larry Kiley.

Frequent Charleston visitors, the Hinton family of Altus, OK, exclaimed, “How exciting, a place for us to use the restroom while buying sunscreen and postcards. After this thing is built, we’ll be able to do a little shopping in case we forgot something from home. Like last time, forgetting to bring umbrellas in case it rained during our ghost tour.” Tourists are not the only people excited about the new shopping giant coming to their neighborhood, 10 year old Benjamin Cooper of Gibbes Street said, “AWESOME!!! Now I don’t have to bug my nanny to drive me to the one on James Island to get more EPIC video games.”

However, not all residents share the excitement, South Battery resident Nancy Bush, while clutching her pearls, commented, “I will nevah, evah, evah, be caught in that store. My family is way too dignified to shop with the common folks.”

Note: Minutes later, “off the record”, Mrs. Bush said she’s actually very excited that it will be open 24 hours so she can sneak inside while her neighbors are asleep, or better yet, while all of Charleston’s high society are at a cocktail party. “How fascinating, the chance for a lady of my stature and social standing to get an inside look at how the rest of the world lives!”

The Charleston Preservation Foundation filed lawsuit last October but the case was recently thrown out of District Court. We tried to contact the Foundation for comment but their headquarters was locked with a note on the door reading, “We give up”. The Bulldog Buzz assumes the large white flag flying over the building was in reference to the super store approval.