People Against Working Animals (PAWA) has unveiled plans to start their own carriage tour company in Charleston. After years of battling local tourism regulations that allow horse drawn carriage tours, the animal rights group has decided to make a statement to Charleston tourism officials. Their plan is to have humans pulling carriage instead of horses or mules. PAWA’s claim is that despite the large draft horses and mules’ ability to roll the carriages throughout the flat historic district, they would prefer for these animals to not have to work.
PAWA’s official statement is, “We believe animals should not have to work like humans. We realize these animals were bred to work and have no problems navigating the landscape of Charleston, but we would prefer that humans do the work instead.”
Human rights activist Ned Flanders claims, “This is ridiculous. We have to work, why shouldn’t they have to? Doesn’t anybody care about humans anymore? Our stance is that animals were put on this earth to help people, whether it’s by pulling a carriage, pulling a plow, or providing food for our families. If God didn’t want animals to be worked or eaten, why did he make them so strong and so tasty?”
Charleston’s tourism regulations are very in depth as to the conditions the horses and mules can work under. The animals must take breaks after every tour, their stalls routinely inspected, journals of their diet and medical records are kept, and their temperatures taken rectally after every tour during warmer weather. Tourism officials declined to comment if the new carriage company’s people will have to have their temperatures taken rectally. They also decline to discuss if the people pulling the carriages will have to wear exposed diapers like the horses and mules currently do.
Only time will tell as to the success of this new venture. Until then, I will use my leather shoes to walk down to Oak Steakhouse for some dead cow, served by a human waiter.